I can hear them whispering in the kitchen as I make my way down the stairs. This morning is more grey than the rest. If the white milky sky through the skylights is any indication of the weather, I believe, we're having a cold dismal rainy day.
"G'morning," I say and walk towards them. They instantly stop talking. My mother raises her eyebrows and Aunt Nancy starts a completely different conversation about someone getting divorced.
Then, synchronized, they all turn -- laugh awkwardly, and say in awkward unison, "Good morning!"
I slip onto a stool near the counter and look at them matter-of-fact.
"I know you're talking about me," I say to them.
"Pshaw!" my mother says and waives one of her hands in the air as a sign of protest, "Absolutely not!"
They all chime in seconds later repeating 'absolutely not' like parrots.
I grab a cup of coffee that Aunt Nancy has poured for me and raise my eyebrows. If this were a poker table I would call them on their bluffs.
Deep down I know that they would never say anything bad about me, but I want them to know that I'm not this poor pathetic frail person that they need to whisper about when I'm not in the room.
"I'm fine." I say to them and take a sip from my coffee.
They all smile.
Then, the inevitable awkward silence hangs for about 3 seconds.
"I'm fine!" I snap.
They all nod accordingly and begin to talk about the weather and how Uncle Hank needs to maybe not put the boat in the water today because it's not the best day for a ride. I let them ramble without contributing, but then I notice that the tears are starting to run down my cheeks.
Dammit.
I get up to walk away.
"Do you want me to come with you?" my mother asks. I tell her 'no' and a moment later I'm outside. Somehow the aimless wandering does me good. The fresh air doesn't hurt either.
It's beginning to drizzle, and so I make my way through the property line and come out along the facilities' side of the resort. Someone is mowing the lawn with one of those tractors. Another person smiles at me as they walk past with gardening supplies.
I walk over to one of the tables on the patio section of the dining room and flop on a chair. The cushion is only slightly damp. There's some salvage from the rain because the umbrella is open.
I sit there for a moment trying to collect my thoughts.
But the truth is, I don't have any.
The tears continue to stream down my cheeks silently. I curl my knees up to my chest and cross my feet in front of me; then lean forward placing my chin on my knees. This offers me some warmth from the cool air the storm is bringing in.
"Do you want to be by yourself?" says someone.
I turn around, making sure to quickly wipe away the tears with the sleeve of my right hand before making eye contact,
Benny.
"Uh, no. Have a seat." I say.
I like Benny. He has a really good vibe about him. He's always smiling -- and he doesn't irritate me. Not that the others do; I just appreciate his company.
"How long are you staying?" he says as he pulls a chair under the umbrella on the other side of the table.
"I'm not sure," I say and shrug my shoulders.
He laughs. "Ah...the life of leisure."
I don't really know how to respond to that.
We sit there for a moment and he stares out along the property. I notice for the first time that Benny is quite handsome. Strong shoulders, tallish. Well groomed.
He's on the opposite side of the table so I casually lean forward to check out his...
Married.
Figures.
Sigh.
I lean back and smile awkwardly at Benny, hoping he didn't notice me checking out if he was married. I think he did, but maybe on some level he was flattered by this.
Consuela sits across from us and gives me a big smile with a thumbs up. I guess him being married isn't really an issue for her. Or, maybe since she's convinced that my days are numbered it's ok for me to have a little fun.
But I'm not like that.
Benny and I can be friends for the time that I'm here. Friends isn't complicated. Friends is easy.
So what if his smile makes my heart flutter a little bit? Friends can do that for you, right?
I tell Benny that I should get back before the real rain hits us. He smiles again, and this time I notice his eyes. Gorgeous sparkling eyes. The kind that light up.
"See ya, Karen." he says.
I almost lose my footing when he says my name, but manage to recover quick enough as I double-step my way back to the cottage.
"See ya!" I say as nonchalant as I can despite the fact that my heart is racing.
I raise my arms to the sky, exacerbated. I'm crushing on someone who is completely unavailable.
"Not fair, God. Not fair!" I say out loud.
A second later the real rain begins to pound the ground, and so I race back to the cottage as quick as I can, trying hard not to slip on the mud puddles that are quickly forming all around me.
