"Morning!" Benny chimes from behind the reception desk in the Grand foyer of the hotel. He's doing some sort of paperwork and chatting with a few of the staff about whatever.
Aunt Nancy scoots past them, waives; and then orders a pitcher of Rye and Ginger from one of the girls who happens to walk by as we cross the hardwood floors. We cut through the dining room and head out back towards the tennis courts. I've borrowed one of her racquets, and am dressed in a hoodie, Pumas, and comfy clothes. Aunt Nancy knows how much I love tennis. I think she could see the sadness starting to seep into my face during breakfast.
I really do appreciate them trying to keep me happy and busy.
We enter the courts and head over towards one that is in full sun. The heat of the day hasn't quite kicked in yet; and so the northern air is a little nippy.
Aunt Nancy serves.
I volley it back and force her to run a bit closer to the net. She likes playing with me because I'm always trying to win. My father is a great tennis player, and so I've learned over the years how to get my opponent confused -- because, as much as I love playing; I love to win.
"Argh!?!?!?" Aunt Nancy wails, then laughs as she misses the ball. It slams loudly against the back fence.
"Easy up lady," she says as she serves again, "It's not kind to be so harsh on your elders."
I smile and roll my eyes. She's not that much older than me.
I start to feel my heart accelerate and my breath increase. I'm staying focused on the ball and making sure that I hit it with precision. We've been volleying for a while, so I slam it fast on the other side of Aunt Nancy forcing her to turn around and almost trip over herself.
It works, she misses the ball.
"You're awful!" she teases and then walks to greet one of the waitstaff that has brought us our pitcher of Rye and Ginger and kindly places it on a fold-out table with some glasses. Aunt Nancy pours a glass for each of us.
I take a gulp; mostly because I'm thirsty. It's the first drink I've had in a while. It instantly warms my belly; and I smile.
"This is really strong," I say to her. She raises her eyebrows as if to say what else would you expect? After a couple of gulps, we go back to our game. Pretty soon my mother and Uncle Hank will be back from picking up my Dad up from the airport. On the one hand, I'm glad to be surrounded by family; with the exception of my sister. She's too pregnant to fly back from the West Coast; but she's been calling my mother regularly.
On the other hand, I don't like the fuss. It's a constant reminder of the fact that everything isn't fine. It makes me feel weird, and self-conscious. And, if I was being completely honest; annoyed.
I walk over the table and take another gulp before it's my turn to serve. It's a beautiful sunny day -- not many clouds. It's perfect drinking weather. After another gulp I start to feel bad about being annoyed by all the attention. And so I walk over to Aunt Nancy and give her a hug. I don't think she understands exactly why I've hugged her, but she gives me a nice hug back -- the kind with a squeeze and a little back rub.
For a brief moment I allow myself to feel grateful for the people I have in my life, despite the fact that it is entwined with guilt for the people that I don't.
