I've broken away from the hotel and, with a lot of Rye and Ginger in my belly, decided to go for a walk along the beach front.
I needed some space.
I tie my hoodie around my waist. The air is still a bit cool to the touch, despite the fact that the sun is out and gushing over everything with its bright sunny rays. I walk along the sand and head towards a fallen tree near the end of the property line. No one is on the lake. In a few days this place will be littered with kids in canoes, teens whizzing by on their jet skis, and parents screaming from the shore for them to slow down.
For now, it is very serene. Quiet. Peaceful.
The water laps ever so slightly against the dampened sand, and I make sure to steer clear of it and only walk on the dry parts. The last thing I want is to get my sneakers wet. They're the only pair I brought with me.
I walk towards to log that is almost as high as my crotch, and very carefully try to maneuver one leg...then the other over it without scraping my nether regions. I don't want to ruin the chance of one day having a family.
I manage to clear it, crotch still intact.
"Pssst," I hear from the woods. I look to my left and lift up my sunglasses to see if someone is there. I step a bit closer towards the trees and wait to see if I hear it again.
"Pssst, Mia!" I hear and look directly above me.
Consuela is awkwardly hanging from a tree branch that looks like it is about to break any second.
"What the hell are you doing up there?" I ask her.
Consuela lets her binoculars drop and they hang from a string around her neck while she babbles, "I iz looking at dee nature!" she says with a sense of purpose.
I walk over to the tree and start to climb it. There's little stumps here and there that I can grasp onto, and a moment later I'm shimmying my butt onto a branch adjacent to her.
"Yer iz doing ok?" She asks and then raises her binoculars again and looks out towards the water.
"You need to flip them around," I say. She's looking through them backwards.
"Oh!" she says and turns the binoculars around.
I roll my eyes, and look out over the water to try and figure out just what exactly she is spying on.
"Dat iz better." she coos as she starts to fidget with the focus knob between her eyes.
I wait a minute before becoming completely impatient.
"What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were going to set up the apartment for when I come back."
She ignores me, then drops her binoculars and turns to face me.
"Mia, I iz worried about you. Yer iz had dis horrible sing and I iz don't want to be in da city wis da empty apartament." she says. Her bottom lip quivers for a moment.
"But, Consuela" I begin, "I'm visiting with my family. You should be using this time to be visiting with your family. We have the rest of our lives to hang out. Don't you miss your children?" I say.
"Dey iz fine, Mia. Dey iz no meeting no..." her voice trails off as she looks around to make sure no one is listening. I raise my eyebrows as if to say Seriously? We're in the middle of the fucking woods and you're looking around to see if anyone is friggen listening to you?
Consuela glares at me for a second before continuing; this time in a whisper, "No Ca-bal-los Dee-mon-ios." She says and does the sign of the cross.
"Caballo Demonio?" I say and shake my head.
"Yer is KNOWING what I iz talking about Mia. Yer is sinking dat de Robert is dead so Mia iz ok. But Mia iz NOT ok becuz da..."
she looks nervously around, and then barely... mouths... the... words, "Caballos Demonios, Mia -- he iz still out der."
And, before I can respond, she whips out some sort of vile, and flicks a bunch of clear water in my face.
I bolt, forget for an instant that I'm hanging on a tree branch, and fall to the ground a nano-second later.
THUMP.
When the air flows back into my body, I manage to gasp above the searing pain and utter, "You stuuuuupid fuckiiiiiiiiing biiiiiiiiitch," before I can't speak anymore. The pain is unbearable.
"Are you ok?" says a voice.
I ignore them because I'm concentrating on the throbbing in the middle of my back, all the while imagining the rest of my life paralyzed in a wheelchair with a pencil stuck in my mouth and typing on a keyboard like Stephen Hawkings...may he rest in peace.
"What the hell were you doing up there?" he says and then laughs. A moment later Benny is peering above me half laughing, half trying to look concerned.
"Don't ask," I say.
"Can you wiggle your fingers?" he asks. I can and so he tells me that I've probably just knocked the wind out of myself -- and I'll be fine. He scooches down beside me and waits until I'm ready to be helped up. He tells me that the others have returned and are looking for me.
I tell him thanks, and a moment later he pulls me up. I limp for a bit as we head back to the beach to go and meet the others.
And...just in case there is any confusion on the part of that Fat Little Fuck who is still hanging in the tree; I manage to whip out my middle finger when Benny isn't looking, and hold it high in the air so she can see it as we both walk away.
"I iz not finished talking wis yer!" she yells back. But I ignore her and instead waive towards the others who are causing a commotion on the shuffle board courts. Aunt Nancy holds up a full pitcher of Rye & Ginger and shakes it, then smiles.
The afternoon has officially begun.
